


Sleepless [The Absence Of You]

by SchizoFrankie



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Animal Death, Death, Dogs, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Psychology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29525616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchizoFrankie/pseuds/SchizoFrankie
Summary: "Not everyone gets a proper farewell, sadly. And you had one, and so did she. What was her name again?”“Bim. Like in the novel, you know?”* * *A short story of one grieving apprentice, one caring doctor, and lots of musings about the nature of death.
Relationships: Apprentice/Julian Devorak, Julian Devorak/Original Character(s), Julian Devorak/Original Non-Binary Character
Kudos: 6





	Sleepless [The Absence Of You]

One could argue that surviving on 2 hours of sleep is not viable. But alas, my heart keeps on beating for reasons unknown, shortening my lifespan more and more with each night I’m staying up.

Always thought I was quite discreet at this type of thing. No one learns to cry quietly for good purpose, yet it’s still an impressive skill on its own. Suppressing an innate urge to scream your lungs dry, holding your limbs still when they ache to trash around the place and destroy whatever’s at hand in frustration. I practiced this art for many years – thankfully, my audience has always been a bit emotionless and incapable of picking up hints.

This is probably the first time the undisclosed wish for help was heard. My best guess is that it’s any doctor’s professional feature – to intuitively feel the need for their presence. The ones I knew before must have been outliers, then.

“Franquelin? Why are you still awake? There’s better be a good reason, because your sickness won’t… Are you crying?”

I half-turned at the sound of his concerned voice. Usually Julian is quite grumpy about having to wake up in the middle of the night for whatever ungodly reason there is. Now he seems genuinely worried about my state.

“I guess this cat is out of the bag, isn’t it?” I sniffled, resorting to concealing the obvious pain behind humor. “Yeah, sorry for waking you up like that. I’m usually much quieter at this – comes with being the lone loser, you know”

… Shouldn’t really have said that. There’s only one person in this household who has mastered the craft of joking at his own expense, and this person was now firmly crossing the dimly-lit kitchen to sit down at the table right next to me. I honestly didn’t want Julian to see me like that – a sobbing mess with bloodshot eyes, locking myself away from any outside help because I don’t feel like I deserve it.

Before I knew it, my hand was pulled away from my face and rested between his caring palms. The warmth of the loving human touch was soothing, but, still not being used to trust, I sighed shakily and doubled down on crying.

“Shh, hey now, I’m right here, with you. It’s safe, it’s okay. If you feel like telling me, I will listen, just – shh,” he squeezed my hand lightly before letting go of it and encircling me in a hug. “You will wear yourself out completely, please, just take a breath, at least for me”

The uneven puddle of tears on the oaky table rippled from my stiffened breath. I finally dried my eyes and looked up at him. Soft kitchen light bounced off his messy auburn hair that glowed brightly against worn-out cupboards and greenish walls. The sight has grounded me a little, and I had presumed I looked much calmer, but apparently that wasn’t enough for the doctor.

“See, that’s better. Now, please, point me in the direction of whoever broke your heart, and I’ll deal with them to the best of my ability,” the familiar twinkle in his eye couldn’t hide the concern reflected in the angled eyebrows.

“Well, that’s gonna be a bit of a problem, since it’s…” I looked vacantly in the general direction of heaven. “It’s my dog.”

The puzzled look on Julian’s face brought a faint smile to my face.

“Alright, sorry for sounding so enigmatic. It’s… much simpler than it sounds. I just miss her so, so much. It has been a mere year since it happened – right before… Right before I decided to move to a bigger city. I had so many plans – well, you can imagine the feelings. I was hopeful for new beginnings. I was dreaming of finding a park where I could bring her when my family would visit. I…”

The look on my face must have been really pitiful, because Julian without any hesitation just drew me closer, allowing me to bury my face in his broad chest. Despite the seemingly inconsolable pain that was twisting my innards, I felt a bit more at ease. This hug felt like home – the one I’ve been only dreaming about – a sound yet cozy home, the safe haven to help you weather the storms ravaging inside and outside of your world. His gentle finger traced the contours of my ear, lulling me into tranquility.

“Listen, if I could do anything to ease your pain...”

“Actually, I think you can,” I looked up with a soft determination. “You’re a doctor. You know death up close and personal. Just tell me more about that. Is there anything… peaceful about it? Anything positive, at all?”

I could hear a heavy sigh deep in his chest.

“Only if it will make you feel better.”

I pulled back a little to even the view and blinked slowly, like a cat expressing their joy and content. Our little secret language, reserved for circumstances that don’t require any words.

“Oh, well, whatever you say, Franquelin,” he readjusted his position to allow me to cuddle up more comfortably before he starts his tale. “Death is both the certainty and the unknown. It’s the natural end of a state of life, and, well, it’s not always gracious. But sometimes it is definitely welcome. Most of living creatures can sense the inevitable end – not sure if humans do, we cling onto life way too long for our own good. And once the feeling comes, there is not much that we can do except to accommodate for the last days of the dying.”

“So is it… a sort of a choice? They choose to go because… it’s getting too hard to stay?”

A reassuring kiss landed on top of my head, stopping me from spiraling back into sobbing.

“What a smart sweet cookie you are. In long and short of it, yes, it’s a choice, just not necessarily a conscious one. You know like you feel that you just have to fall asleep and you have to accept that? By the way – you really have to accept that, your sleeping schedule is getting worse than mine, and no one outshines me in that competition,” Julian cheerfully winked at me before continuing. “On a more serious note, death is like that. It’s predetermined. When your body runs out of resources, it needs to fulfill them. When it no longer feels the need for _that_ , it just starts shutting itself off piece by piece.”

“Okay, now, I feel like I kinda understand that. But… what’s the point? Not the biological one, but just… why?”

“Well, there is more than one way to look at it. Do you know if your dog was sick or…?”

Feeling the sharp grief rushing back in, I demandingly put his hand on my head, and he instinctively started stroking my hair to keep me from crying.

“Yes,” I sighed. “A heart condition, found out about half a year before that. It’s… I feel like I should be grateful for the extra months we got to spend together, because it was so bad we thought she would not make it. But I can’t. I just wish it was a few more months. Just a little more time.”

“I… I understand that. Letting go is never easy. It never feels like you had enough time, right? But just think about how hard would it be if it happened when you were already here? Far from home and unable to say goodbye? Not everyone gets a proper farewell, sadly. And you had one, and so did she. What was her name again?”

“Bim. Like in the novel, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do. So, look at it that way – Bim has spent many wonderful years by your side, and her heart was full of your love, but sadly it couldn’t take more. So she had to go before…”

Covering my mouth, I had suddenly thrown my head back and screamed at the ceiling, unable to accept the things that I’ve just heard. It certainly startled Julian, but then he pulled me closer into a tight embrace, rocking lightly back and forth, humming something vaguely familiar and calming.

“Hush, now, dear, hush.”

I curled up in his lap, staring blankly at the kitchenware, trying to focus my mind on the present.

“Now, now, it’s okay, I’m still here. And I did promise more than one point of view, huh? Alright. Now, how old was she?”

“Seventeen.”

“Seventeen. That’s a great age for any dog. And it was especially great because she had you in her life. It’s hard to imagine, I know, but the impact you made on her life was deeply profound. You may remember your perspective – you probably had gone days without seeing her, and you did spend your time with her when you could. But the time without your presence wasn’t meaningless. She spent it with others in your family. She spent it on her own, thinking her tiny dog thoughts and dreaming about how much she loves you all. Just think about it – in all of Bim’s lifetime there was roughly 536 112 000 seconds, and most of them she spent with you. So you left a mark in her heart just as she did in yours.”

The silence enveloped us in its wordless hug, and I only dared to disturb it with quiet sniffling. Only now I had noticed that I’ve been absentmindedly running my hand up and down his shoulder. I stopped, but Julian put my hand back and pressed it, lightly stroking my fingers.

“Thank you for… For all of that. It’s just so overwhelming that I can’t even try to rationalize it, but you did it for me. Thank you. But there is only one question still left…”

“Yes?”

“Where did you pull that huge number from? Five hundred million something something…”

“Oh, the million seconds one?” he laughed. “Well, one does get bored every once in a while, especially when their love is staying at their work for too long. Seriously, though, I had time to count, just much, much longer ago. I too had a dog. My number was different, and it was difficult, seeing as math is not really my forte, but I had to occupy my mind with something to… To stop crying so much.”

“Did it help?”

“As you can see. It stays with you forever, but it’s getting lighter. Surely, there are some memories of the fun times you two had together. In time, I promise, you will laugh remembering those moments, even if a bit bitter. And, if fate decides so, I might even still be around to laugh with you.”

I jokingly pushed him back with a playfully serious look on my face.

“Oh, come on, Ilya! You _will_ be here, and I won’t take no as an answer.”

“I’m so glad to see you smiling again, dear. Maybe it’s a sign that you’re ready to go back to sleep?”

“Already?”

“Doctor’s orders.”

“But why?”

Julian glanced at me sternly, hiding a smile as he curled his lips.

“Mainly because it’s five in the morning and you still have a cold. But, more importantly, because there might be something in it for you. Besides the sleep.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. If you will agree to go back to bed right now, tomorrow I will tell you about my dog. Maybe even draw him for you, if you’ll be good.”

“And if I don’t agree?”

“Well, in that case, I will have to rethink my offer. And carry you back, want it or not.”

“Alright, deal.”

We shook hands to sign our mutual agreement and then promptly burst out laughing. The nervous tension dissipated with the last giggle, and it was a sure sign to move on to sleep.

“Right, I’m coming, I’m coming,” I detangled myself from his limbs and wobbled towards the door. That is, before my legs finally gave in and I gracefully collapsed at the doorstep.

“Oh my goodness, Franquelin, are you okay? Can you stand up?”

Julian helped me back up to my feet as I tried to convince him that it’s fine. Unfortunately, my own body contradicted my statement, because I had just enough energy to lean back on his tall form and not fall again.

“Well, well, looks like I would still have to carry you back. But don’t worry, you’ve been good. You’ll get your story, but not before you get a proper rest.”

He lifted me up, despite being tired as all hell himself. Right before I closed my eyes, I caught his worried, but loving gaze. As long as he’s here, I will be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> In loving memory of my dear Bima that I still miss dearly every day.
> 
> Was listening exclusively to Tim Minchin - The Absence Of You to cope with grief, hence the title.
> 
> It was written like a couple weeks after I entered the fandom, so apologies for inconsistencies/OOC (didn't know that Julian really had a dog, plus I kinda underestimated his math skills).
> 
> Does this count as vent writing? Probably, but I've written this as a sort of an emotional sedative that I keep coming back to... And hey, if it might bring you some peace/closure/catharsis - then it wasn't written in vain.
> 
> Obligatory apologies for any mistakes in language/formatting, English is not my first language.
> 
> P.S. Props to anyone recognizing the referenced novel ;)


End file.
